Dear Esteemed Member of the Criminal Community:
We want to assure you. Many of us in Washington, D.C. are working quickly and expeditiously to improve the safety of your work places. We are working every day to make sure you can do your jobs safely and without concern. Those 23 executive orders are just the start. We have individuals throughout our agencies and in our legislature actively putting together more and more regulations and laws which will keep you happy and healthy.
For those of you who perform your jobs in or around public schools, we are pleased to confirm they are working very closely with us to assure you the safest possible work environments through the implementation of “Gun Free Zones”. We are hopeful this progress will result in an ongoing reduction of the number of on the job injuries you receive.
As you are aware, we are thwarted at every turn by hateful members of the vast right-wing conspiracy who want nothing more than to assure you encounter armed resistance resulting in damage to your person. Do not worry. We will stop at nothing to end their heartless attempts to derail our efforts. Like our dear leaders before us, we have even used sweet, innocent children to further our cause. Do not be concerned. We promise you we will not do anything to actually improve their safety because that would mean a potential increase in your work place injuries. The media is on our side. Nothing can go wrong.
We take inspiration from Chicago, the shining beacon on the hill, as the example of how gun control makes your lives easier. We know many of you have already moved there because of the safety you experience when performing your criminal endeavours. We have a dream that one day every city, suburb, and rural area of the USSA will offer you the same protections.
Do not be discouraged by the states, localities, and law enforcement officials who will do everything in their power to stop us in our tracks. We will not be halted. We will not be dissuaded. We are a force to be reckoned with. We won’t even let the Constitution stop our efforts.
We also intend to improve your work place safety through a few key pieces of legislation and regulation. By restricting gun ownership and usage, these laws and regulations will immediately convert millions of law abiding citizens into criminals. By spending more time finding and prosecuting those individuals, our government paid law enforcement personnel will have less time to interfere with your work. Yes, it is true, nothing is too good for you, dear criminal. All we ask in return is that you continue to elect us to these powerful positions and make large cash donations to our cause. We are here for you.
Very truly yours,
Your liberal, progressive, socialist, communist and fascist friends in Washington, D.C.