In case you haven’t been listening or paying attention, liberals are proudly boasting their insistence that they have taken over the USA, a conservative will NEVER again be elected to POTUS, and they are now empowered to continue (unabated and uncontested) the “fundamental” transformation of our country. While liberals dream of a third term for their savior, Obama; I can’t help but wonder how the Christmas holiday will change if (God forbid) those “in your face” liberals are correct. Here’s what I envision.
- Santa will be shutdown for myriad reasons. First, he’s a rich, old, white, male. According to most liberal stereotypes, that means he’s probably a Republican. Second, he lives in an area where they think global warming is making an impact. They must control that land so he’ll need to be ousted by eminent domain. Third, if he can’t be ousted due his mere presence in that part of the world, he’ll be ousted for his carbon footprint. Those elf-run factories must have one hell of a carbon footprint. Fourth, speaking of carbon footprints, Santa is known to leave coal for bad kids. Obama wants the coal industry decimated. What better way than to shut down one of the big coal users? Fifth, Santa is notorious for his flabby, “bowl full of jelly” physique. I’m sure Michelle Obama will shut him down as a poor role model for today’s youth. Sixth, I’m pretty certain Santa’s workshops are not regulated by OSHA. Seventh, I like to believe Santa’s workshops are not yet unionized. I’m sure the liberals can make that happen. Resulting in unsustainable Santa-funded pensions and benefits leaving nothing left to make toys for the good little boys and girls. Leading to an eventual shut-down. Eighth, I have proof Santa has, for many years, given toy and real firearms to people as gifts. That will be unacceptable. I could go on and on . . . but you get the point.
- Rudolph will be jailed for using an incandescent bulb.
- Lights on houses will be outlawed because they waste electricity. If not completely outlawed, the government will require them to be attached to a Smart Grid so they can decide when the lights are allowed to be turned on and off.
- Christmas as a government-endorsed holiday will end because the holiday has a basis in the Christian religion. No more day’s off of work. You’ll need to take vacation.
- Gift shopping will become regulated. Only local, fair-trade, green, organic, and/or sustainable items will be available for purchase. Shopping at Wal-Mart will become strictly prohibited (unless, of course, they unionize).
- People who celebrate Christmas will be taxed. Probably to off-set the union contracted triple overtime or something like that for government personnel who have to work that day.
- Fresh cut Christmas trees will be outlawed because of the impact to the ozone. Regardless of how sustainably they are farmed and harvested.
- The trend towards outlawing red and green in public schools will become a national mandate (probably by an executive order Obama passes). I’m not making this one up. It’s already happening. Google it.
- Stockings will no longer be allowed to hang by the chimney. That presents a fire hazard.
- Candy canes will be outlawed because sucking on them can result in a viciously sharp point. That point can be used to harm someone. Schools will hang up “Candy Cane Free Zone” signs to make sure they don’t make it onto school grounds.
- All old family heirloom decorations will be confiscated. They might have lead or other dangerous chemicals if they were produced before the government started to meddle in everything.
- Five-pointed stars will be outlawed because they discriminate against Jewish people who embrace the six-pointed star. Unless, of course, it is a red star which is a communist-embraced symbol.
- All Christmas carols and songs will be rewritten by Obama speech writers. “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen” will become “Goddess Rest Ye Merry Gentle Folk”, “Good King Wenceslas” will become “Bad Oppressor Republican”, “Frosty the Snowman” will become “Frosty the Snowperson”, “I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas” will become “I’m Dreaming of a Multi-ethnic Holiday”, “We Three Kings” will become “We Three Union Bosses”, “Little Drummer Boy” will become “Vertically Challenged Drummer Youth”, “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”, will become “I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus”, you get the point.
- Snowmen will be outlawed for two reasons. First, the term SnowMEN is offensive to feminists. Second, the existence of snowmen brings into question the existence of global warming and we wouldn’t want anyone to question that “settled science”.
- Use of the words peace and peaceful will be restricted so they can only be uttered publicly when describing the thugs (sorry, the wonderful humanitarians) at the UN or the Occupy Wall Street people.
- Hot cocoa will be outlawed because the cocoa beans might come from countries where they oppress their workers.
- Children will no longer be able to leave cookies and milk out for Santa (assuming he hasn’t already been outlawed). Home baked cookies are not subject to government regulation and the milk might be raw milk. Also, these might accidentally be seen and consumed by a robber who would then be able to sue the homeowners for creating an attractive nuisance.
- Gingerbread houses will be outlawed unless they meet all building codes, are union built, and are eligible for Section 8.
- All of the “Elf on the Self” elves must approved by the NSA and join a public employee union because only the government is allowed to spy on you and your family.
- Letters to Santa (assuming he hasn’t already been outlawed) will be prohibited because of the unnecessary burden on the US Postal Service.
There. That’s twenty. I know there are more. Fee free to add your own ideas in the comments.
P.S. Ho ho ho . . . and Merry Christmas a little early.