If you haven’t heard, Columbus Day is no longer politically correct. Instead of schools using the holiday to teach kids about EXPLORATION, they are using it to teach kids about EXPLOITATION. According to the video my daughter was assigned to watch at home, Columbus was a selfish, greedy, money-driven, privileged, white-skinned killer who only wanted to make a fast buck by abusing his connections to European power and murdering dark-skinned indigenous American peoples. Being of both European and Indigenous American descent, I am not taking sides on this. I can see it from both directions. Personally, I don’t have a problem with Columbus Day.
That said, in order to facilitate the eventual departure from all politically incorrect holidays, I suggest we just get on with it and change everything immediately. Here are my recommendations:
New Year’s Day: This is politically incorrect because not all cultures consider January 1 to be the first of the new year. In fact, the entire 12-month calendar we use is politically incorrect because not all cultures use it. I suggest we just end this holiday entirely and return all peoples to to the use of myriad calendars. There are lots to pick from so let’s not pick any one calendar over any other because that would be offensive to some subset of the human race. Let the Jews use their own calendar. Let the Chinese use their own calendar. Let the Muslims use their own calendar. And in the interest of reparations for past calendar discrimination, I vote we resurrect the use of all obsolete calendars. I’m sure there are people just itching to use an Egyptian, Aztec, or Roman calendar.
And don’t worry if a particular calendar isn’t accurate by modern standards. If I’ve learned anything from my children’s new Common Core-based homework, it’s that things no longer need to be correct. They just need to be “reasonable”. I’m sure all of the 75 or so current, obsolete, and proposed calendars I was able to find through Google have something “reasonable” to offer. If nothing else, I’m sure the people at Microsoft are looking for a challenge. I can’t wait to see how they modify their Outlook product to handle all of these calendars. Scheduling meetings will be half-day adventure. Woo hoo! Viva political correctness.
Martin Luther King, Day: I don’t have a problem with this day because the guy was a Republican and that pisses off liberals when they learn of that little tidbit of information. Wait, I do have a problem with this holiday. While he did do things lots of people appreciate, he was just another American fighting for what he thought was right. We can’t go around giving holidays to all the people who fight for what they think is right. We can’t go around giving holidays to all the people who did great things. We’d run out of days on the calendar and nobody would ever go to work. What about Ben Franklin, Rosa Parks, Thomas Paine, Susan B Anthony, Thomas Edison, General Patton, Elvis Presley, etc. I think you get my point. There are too many people to recognize. Let’s outlaw all holidays designed to honor and celebrate any single American. It’s offensive to the ones who don’t get their own holiday or to the people for whom their favorite person does not get a holiday. I think I’m pretty special. I want my own holiday. See? I just offended someone with that idea.
Groundhog Day: Let’s just end this blatant display of materialism and chicanery. This is nothing but a ploy to bring tourists and media to a small town in western Pennsylvania. Who in their right mind believes the groundhog “sees” a shadow? Besides, the whole thing is oppressive. The “Inner Circle” is a bunch of old white MALE “dignitaries” standing around in top hats exploiting a rodent for their own personal profit. I seriously don’t see how this can be allowed to go on for one more year. It’s despicable. Where is the feminist and environmentalist outrage?
Valentine’s Day: What can I say here? It’s offensive on so many levels. For starters, it celebrates Christianity. This was originally the Feast of Saint Valentine. That’s a deal breaker right there. Christianity is inherently politically incorrect. I could stop right here. But let’s continue. A historical symbol of Valentine’s Day is Cupid, the Roman god of desire, erotic love, attraction and affection. Surely that offends Christians to know a Roman god is a key figure for their feast day. Plus, let’s be honest here, a winged infant is definitely indicative of some form child abuse. Someone better call Child Protective Services. Also, this holiday is offensive to all single people and people not in a romantic relationship. Whether they are single by choice or single because they are annoying or single because they just haven’t met their true love . . . it’s detrimental to their self esteem to be excluded by a holiday. Last, but not least, the pro-capitalism, materialism is offensive. All that money spent on cards, flowers, dinners, and jewelry should be given to the government so they can spend it on important things like giving it to our enemies in foreign countries.
Presidents’ Day: This is an easy one to end. I find the idea of celebrating a holiday that celebrates the likes of Obama to be offensive. I know liberals find the idea of celebrating a holiday that celebrates the likes of Bush to be offensive. Done. Remember all those mentally frail individuals who suffer mental anguish after Presidential elections? Some of whom actually seek medical treatment and/or sue? Let’s just save them the agony and not have them relive those moments.
Mardi Gras: It’s related to Christianity. It’s politically incorrect. Let’s move on.
St. Patrick’s Day: Yet another holiday linked to Christianity. Ergo, politically incorrect by default. Plus, it appears to celebrate a single pale-skinned ,European group of peoples. That’s also politically incorrect and offensive to everyone who is not Irish. Additionally, many individuals who celebrate do so with drinking beer. Too much drink can lead to questionable behavior and someone might be offended by what someone says or does. Because someone might be offended, we might as well cancel this holiday right now. No need to take risks.
April Fool’s Day: I suggest we keep this one. It’s a great day for Obama supporters to celebrate themselves.
Easter: Considered by many to be the most holy of Christian holidays. Totally offensive just because of that. As the Atheists ask, “why do you people insist on celebrating a fairy tale?” Plus, the pagans are still pissed off because Christians stole the Oester name from the Norse peoples. I’m sure Michelle Obama would love to see an end of all the chocolate bunnies, sugary peeps, and jelly beans (if for no reason other than Ronald Reagan liked them). It doesn’t take a village to raise a child these days, it takes an oppressive and intrusive government. I’m sure the artificial grass pisses off the environmentalists, too. I bet it takes forever to degrade.
Earth Day: We need to keep this one because how can saving the earth possibly be offensive to anyone? Oh, yeah, it offends me when they take away my incandescent bulbs and want them replaced with toxic fluorescent bulbs that make my eyes feel wonky. It also offends me when they take my hard earned tax dollars and give them to some fly by night “green” energy company with friends in high places. However, my opinion doesn’t matter because I’m a fiscally conservative, social libertarian. I’m not a progressive or a socialist or a communist so I’m not allowed to have an opinion on environmental issues. In fact, because I am a “climate change denier”; many liberals think I need to be put in jail or at least sent to a reeducation camp. (I’m not kidding.)
Mother’s Day: There are people with crappy mothers. This day makes them feel depressed. This day offends them. Time to outlaw it.
Memorial Day: This day celebrates people who died fighting to further the western ideals of freedom. So, it’s totally offensive to so many people. This day celebrates people who died fighting against the exact type of socialism and communism our current day liberals are fighting so hard to expand in the USA. So, it’s totally offensive to so many people. Definitely needs to be ended. Liberals consider this a celebration of pure oppression and exploitation and hatred for other peoples. I know several liberals who use this day to berate the “US war machine”. I can’t believe liberals still allow this to be considered a holiday.
Father’s Day: See, Mother’s Day, above. This is even more offensive due to the large number of kids growing up without a father. Instead of fixing that problem, let’s just outlaw this holiday because we don’t want so many kids feeling excluded.
Independence Day: Perhaps the most offensive non-Christian holiday on the calendar. A holiday that celebrates exceptionalism, patriotism, and freedom. Liberals would rather this be changed to “Dependence Day” in honor of all the entitlement programs, multi-generation welfare families, and government employee unions. Instead of “God Bless America” the tag line will now be “God Damn America” in honor of Obama’s pastor. American flags are now considered offensive and politically incorrect. Better to change it to a hammer and sickle before someone’s feelings get hurt.
Labor Day: Liberals love this celebration of socialism, communism, and unions. We’ll never get rid of this day. Ever.
Halloween: I know a lot of Christians who have already outlawed this celebration at their houses. They consider it a gateway to the occult. Personally, I love Halloween. Then again, this holiday has links to Christianity. It is the start of Allhallowtide. We better outlaw it, just to be safe. We don’t want to offend anyone. Christianity is totally politically incorrect.
Veteran’s Day: This day conjures up similar complaints as Memorial day. This celebrates our military. Many liberals consider our military to be a male-dominated, war machine that takes money from the mouths of welfare babies. It needs to be outlawed.
Thanksgiving: This makes a lot of liberals mad for the same reasons they don’t like Columbus Day. Liberals consider Thanksgiving to be a celebration of pale-skin fueled genocide. Sit down with a hard core liberal feminist and they’ll tell you John Smith was a child molester when it came to Pocahontas. Don’t forget the mental anguish PETA people experience when all of those turkeys are slaughtered so oppressed women around the country can slave all day while their oppressor husbands watch politically incorrect sports with exploited cheerleaders. Some liberals insist we rename it “National Ethnic Cleansing Day”. Not kidding. Let’s end this before someone gets hurt. As a final note, the whole “Black Friday” pisses off liberals because a) it uses the word “black” in an arguably negative way and b) it celebrates materialism and capitalism.
Christmas: I don’t even need to go there. It’s so patently politically incorrect. It goes without saying. It needs to be outlawed. Immediately. Reparations should probably be paid to to all peoples who do not celebrate this holiday.
So, there you go. Every holiday needs to be outlawed because somewhere there is at least one thin-skinned, mentally fragile individual who will find a reason to find it offensive. Let’s do it by Executive Order. Yeah. That’s the answer.